sometimes I think about what my conversations would sound like from the outside

and I just have to laugh.

a conversation about toxins

Lab member #1: You couldn't get rich selling toxins.

Lab member #2: But they're so expensive!

Lab member #3: It's too small of a market.

Lab member #1: Yeah, too small of a market.

Me: If anyone was listening in on this conversation, they'd probably think we're a bunch of incompetent assassins.

a conversation about American English:

Lab member #1: The thing I don't understand is plurals.

Lab member #2: You don't have them in Chinese, right?

Lab member #1: Yeah. English is weird. Like, if you have half of a hotdog, you say, "0.5 hotdogs." But it's less than one!

Lab member #3: ...huh, I guess that's right. So in Chinese you'd say -

Lab member #1: Two hotdog, three hotdog, 0.5 hotdog!

a conversation about American TV shows:

Lab member #1: Cat and Mouse! Cat and Mouse!

Lab member #4: [blank look]

Lab member #1: Ah, the TV show, with the cat and mouse. What's his name. Tom and - Jerry?

Lab member #2: Yeah, yeah.

Lab member #3: Are the Simpsons big in China?
Lab member #1: ...yeah, yeah I think. But not as much as Cat and Mouse. Ah, Tom and Jerry. But in China we say Cat and Mouse.

a conversation about Americans and their drugs

Lab member #1: Do most Americans smoke marijuana? Did you smoke marijuana?

Me: ...No?

Lab member #1: Really? [looks shocked]

a conversation about gmail chat:

The Housemate: I can see you.

Me: No you can’t, I’m invisible.  

The Housemate: Wait. I thought you could still see invisible people.

 Me: ...I'm very curious about how you did that. [sent a message to me while I was invisible]

The Housemate: I just know because I talk to J when we’re both invisible.

a generic, daily conversation:

Me: whoa, this news article says that a US district judge just wrote that the NSA’s surveillance program is likely unconstitutional.

The Housemate: I’m going to go stretch out my shrunken sweater in cold water. 

Me: ... okay?

The Housemate: What practical knowledge have you gleaned?

Me:... None.

another generic conversation:

The Housemate: Why are you writing that down? That isn’t funny, it’s practical.

Me: It's still funny.

The Housemate: Well. I decided that this year is my year of gaining practical skills, so if this works, I'll have gained the practical skill of stretching out a shrunken sweater.

Me: I thought you were going to say, 'Gain the practical skill of starring on someone else's blog.'