christmas eve

it is tradition on Christmas for both sides of my family to read Luke 2, beginning with the phrase "in those days caesar augustus" and ending with the shepherds praising God. i decided when i was back at EMU to read from the beginning of Luke through the traditional Christmas story to see what I was missing. and ... i stumbled across [surprise!] Luke 1 and "Mary's Song" otherwise known as the Magnificat.

Mary's Song (Luke 1:46-55)
46And Mary said:
"My soul glorifies the Lord
47and my spirit rejoices in God my Savior,
48for he has been mindful
of the humble state of his servant.
From now on all generations will call me blessed,
49for the Mighty One has done great things for me—
holy is his name.
50His mercy extends to those who fear him,
from generation to generation.
51He has performed mighty deeds with his arm;
he has scattered those who are proud in their inmost thoughts.
52He has brought down rulers from their thrones
but has lifted up the humble.
53He has filled the hungry with good things
but has sent the rich away empty.
54He has helped his servant Israel,
remembering to be merciful
55to Abraham and his descendants forever,
even as he said to our fathers."

The more of the New Testament that I actually read [not just act as though i had read it, but really read for myself], the more I begin to believe in the idea of God's kingdom present now. A present, tangible, physical, joyful, abundant kingdom life. By this I mean - I believe that God desires justice now for the poor. I believe that kingdom living is good news for the poor; the poor in spirit, the poor in physical wealth. I believe that the Christmas story should start in Luke 1. I believe that Jesus came to reconcile man to God and that this restored relationship is more than just going to heaven when I die. It involves me fearing the name of the Lord and Him showing mercy across generations. It involves God scattering the proud and sending those who are rich away from his table. It involves this crazy sort of leveling of humanity, that those who are humble are lifted up and those who are hungry are given food - and the rulers are cast down from their thrones.

The more of the New Testament that I actually read, the more I fear the Lord. The more I fear the power of the gospel. The more I understand how Christianity can be seen as dangerous. It is ... it's a crazy powerful book that can make a girl realize she wants to be poor and weak and humble.

Wendell Berry writes, "Take all you have and be poor." I think of all the pretty words I use to describe the miracle of Christ coming down to earth; incarnation, relationship, virgin birth. This particular Christmas eve, at this moment of my life, those words are too big. This Christmas I am thinking of the birth of the Messiah in a different, smaller, simpler way. I am thinking of God taking all that He had and entering the poverty of humanity. And I am praying that somehow, despite the incredible weakness of my heart, I will be able to follow my Savior and take all I have and be poor.

home

i had the oddest realization tonight -

going to the early church in the rain; seeing people i knew at the early church; thinking about how i saw a guy from church (and my ethics class; he's auditing it) at the Little Grill and he recognized me and waved;

reading the Bible and finding out that hey, i really like it;

decorating gingerbread houses and dominating 2nd east; losing to 2nd east; telling Lucas that he's a liar;

cleaning my room and thinking about vacuuming;

laying in wet cold grass east of Thomas plaza and watcing shooting stars; having crazy funny conversations laying in wet cold grass east of Thomas plaza;

hearing Lucas say 'good night, friends;"

thinking about going home


---it makes me wonder what home is, exactly. Meg says: my life does not have much locational permanence. is home a place? for me, the answer is yes. it is my bedroom and the fireplace and the perch above the dishwasher.

but my realization is that here - Harrisonburg, EMU, 'the Shenandoah Valley' - here is home too. i have my nest up in my bunk bed, my bookshelves, my fishbowl. my african violets and paper cranes. and secondly...home is more than a place. i have really, really good friends here. ones i'm really close to and ones i'm just beginning to know, but i'm not really exaggerating when i say that it is beginning to feel like home.

its a little weird. but it is a better weird to have many homes than to have none.

To be covered in the Word

i have this list - its a list of things i can do to be mad for life. one of them is this:

you could write a bible verse on your arm everyday. be covered in the word. and let it only wash away when you shower.

i did this today. it was an interesting experiment. i've decided that being covered in the word is very comforting. you should try it.

Thia and Molly also wrote on me. Thia wrote 2nd Corinthians 4:7-12. [see below]

2nd Corinthians 4:7-12
But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us. We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed. We always carry around in our body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be revealed in our body. For we who are alive are always being given over to death for Jesus' sake, so that his life may be revealed in our mortal body. So then, death is at work in us, but life is at work in you.



It made me think of my one Honors class; we had a guest lecturer and talked about the idea of an inner vs. an outer self. One of the most interesting things I've heard this semester came out of that class. We hate our bodies; it is easier to lie than it is to keep from blushing. Our bodies betray us. So often, we long to focus on the spiritual because the physical lets us down. Our bodies, the world, the technology...it all breaks and malfunctions and reminds us that we are vulnerable. But read the verses again: We always carry around IN OUR BODY the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be revealed IN OUR BODY. I think I am beginning to understand that Jesus, though of course spiritual, loved the physical world. He healed through touch. He fed multitudes with real bread. The word was made flesh. I think he would enjoy walking through Park Woods when there is snow on the ground.

....

It was good and beautiful and healthy and so, so comforting to write with my hands physical words on my skin. To be able to see with my eyes the Word, running black and blue up my arm. To imagine words imprinted on my heart.

Go on, do it. Cover yourself in the Word. I dare you.

and ...

we talked about voluntary service today in ethics and i decided my parents are even cooler than i realized. :P

very strange

it is odd to think that in a bit more than a week i will be able to say i am a second semester freshman. yikes. i can now count my assignments on the fingers of one hand!!! and it is finally sunny after a week of snow and rain. :)i am very happy today...

week before finals

blech. my honor's paper is just not flowing the way i want it too. blech.

last night we hoped for freezing rain and cancelled classes today but it was not to be... ;)

so. once i finish this paper i am basically done for the semester. :) Yay!


on another note, my baby african violets are growing! i have proven that i have a green thumb!

and i have...4 christmas party invitations. hah.

and there is like 9 days left til i get to come home for break.

i guess i can handle one more paper...

Stress reliever

Last night i made a collage as a stress reliever...my workload is really picking up now! (Neil... i can sense you laughing from here). it's snowing today. :) snowball fights are also a good way to relieve stress.

here are some pictures of my collage and of the snow. my inspiration for the artwork was "How the Early Church and OCP make me feel."

bread making saves my life. :)

how now shall i live?

a group of us read the bible aloud in the evenings...we go down to the guy's floor about 9:00 and read a few chapters at a time. i don't go all the time but i did tonight. we read Mark 14-16 and then talked and now i am in the midst of crisis.

i need community but people are leaving for various reasons and i am so afraid i will never know the people i want to know and they will never know me. life is confusing and hard and i want some guidance from people who are living in the same circumstances as me but are further along on their journey. blech. life just is making me say blech today. how can i live Christianity the way it should be lived? when it is so hard to just think charitably towards my neighbor how can i live justly in a global sense? how can i be holy? what does it mean to live simply? and does any of this really matter? it feels somedays like everything is just too big and my little life doesn't matter at all. i mean if half the world's population is living on less than $2 a day, how much is me hopefully becoming a physician actually going to matter?

i wish you all (my PA readers) could have been in the room tonight when we were talking. because Taylor and Rebekah and Lucas and Meg just make faith real. reading Mark and asking about Judas's life and wondering if we should give our clothes to poor people. one time when i was downstairs we had a conversation about taking vows of celibacy. we talk about intentional poverty. intentional community. about what it means to love until it costs something.

lucas said tonight that Ron (a pastor at the early church) says that the Kingdom is right side up and the world is upside down. i feel like i am in a bit of a free fall, my head pointing in all directions, vacillating from day to day. i want to live well. i want to be mad for life, to love God, to love the world, to take all i have and be poor. but it is SO HARD. ah.

i mean. this is sort of how it feels:

"The matter is quite simple. The Bible is very easy to understand. But we Christians are a bunch of scheming swindlers. We pretend to be unable to understand it because we know very well that the minute we understand we are obliged to act accordingly. Take any words in the New Testament and forget everything except pledging yourself to act accordingly. My God, you will say, if I do that my whole life will be ruined. ... Dreadful it is to fall into the hands of the living God. Yes, it is even dreadful to be alone with the New Testament." - Soren Kierkegaard



in any case, finals are coming up in like 2 weeks...this is so not the time to be having an existential crisis...

i baked bread tonight. sometimes it helps to drop all the heavy thoughts and just make something with your hands. i kneaded and braided the dough and i still feel like my head will EXPLODE but the explosion is not quite as imminent.

happy musing, everyone! :) see you at Christmas.