some of my favorite signs

what's that, you ask? you have favorite signs? who does that?

someone working in a science lab, that's who.

and some other random work pictures...

i'm not exactly sure why,

but this story keeps going through my head and making me grin, so I thought I'd share it.

When I was in Hburg for the pre-Thanksgiving Thanksgiving, we played a game of fishbowl. In the 'taboo' round, where you have to get people to guess the word by describing it, whoever's turn it was said, "That thing Emily is afraid of."

And instantaneously, there were three things shouted out:

"Crumbs!"

"Spiders!"

"Car crashes!"

My friends know me so well. :)



In other news, I am:

learning fingerpicking
teaching myself the tab for 'Frail' by jars of clay
reading a lot of poetry
making tiny bits of progress at work
(interspersed with repair work at work - I'm getting quite handy with a screwdriver)

i need a more catchy phrase for 'petty grievances'

since graduation in April, classmates of mine have dealt with:

moving to a different continent and eating cow lung (as a vegetarian)

beginning work as a first-year teacher and having their house egged by a student

beginning work as a first-year teacher and having (high school) students who can barely read

not being able to find work

having manipulative bosses

long-distance relationships

my complaint today sounds really dumb in comparison, but here goes:

I'm kinda sad about how I can't complain about work to anyone but The Housemate. Not because I don't have great family & friends who listen to me talk about anything (even when I'm whining), but because no one will understand what I'm saying. 

Fluid dynamics is screwing up my life, you guys. AHHHH. I just about had a meltdown today at 4:00 pm when I realized the stupid suction tube on my setup was positioned wrong and was destroying my gigaohm seals. I was like, "Argh! That explains everything about this day and why nothing is working!!!" 

The Housemate happened to walk into my little closet right then and she looked at the computer screen and said, "Um, what's going on there?!" 

And I said, "I just figured out something terrible. The suction tube is sucking my cells off the pipette!"

And she said, "You didn't notice?"

On the one hand: yay, you know why I'm upset! On the other: Nope. That's why I feel dumb.

Then I realized that even if I wanted to, I couldn't call anyone and complain to them because the whole exchange would be utterly incomprehensible. 

Basically, my life is ruled by the flow of saltwater, which is surprisingly tricky to control. Between the RSC and the suction tube...woe is me. :/


On the bright side, a little retail therapy:

Buying boots felt a little like an entrance into adulthood. (Read: a paying job. Hah.)

i'm feeling witty

and hopeful. got an email today about an NIH book club from a post-bac in the NIMH. I responded! maybe I will make a friend! haha.

why witty, you ask? well, the email was funny [Are you a closeted reader? Do you cringe when people ask you what you did Saturday night because you realize you huddled in a blue polyester beanbag in the corner of your apartment next to the only good reading lamp and pored over Aurelius's Meditations (or some similarly nerdy book) and have to explain this fact in a way that doesn't seem pathetic (WHICH IT ISN'T!)?] and said something about a character from Infinite Jest, and when I replied, I changed the subject line to 'you had me at Hal Incandenza.'

what can I say. it's the little things. 

what a weird day

Thia: It's still funny to me that you like hockey now.

Me: I learned something about the Stanley Cup the other night. When it gets full of names, they can just - it's on rings, the names are, I mean, and they can just slide the top one off and put a new blank one on the bottom.

Thia: [blank look]

Me: So each name is on it for like - 13 years.

Thia: So the names aren't on it forever?

Me: No. But they have a vault to put them in!

Thia: What - [helpless giggling] - How did you even -

Me: I saw this picture online and it looked like it was getting full of names, so I wondered what happened. When it got full of names. So I googled it -

Thia: [more laughing] Classic.

Me: - and there were all these threads on Yahoo Ask about the same thing, and they were all answered pretty much the same way, so I figured it was probably true.

Thia: ... It's like David Foster Wallace, setting the novel-about-everything in a Tennis Academy. Maybe this will be important to your writing, someday.

Me: ... maybe.

--

I almost missed the bus today coming out of work - there's construction or something going on in front of the bus stop and the lane was closed and my bus almost drove past without stopping. I ran out into the closed lane and waved at the bus and the driver pulled over half a block down the street, and I ran and got on. It kind of felt like I had suddenly turned into one of those city-slicker New Yorkers from the movies, or something. Like when people very confidently hail a taxi in a crowded street. 

--

Conversations with the Boss always makes me feel vaguely panicky. I could feel myself flushing today when he was asking me about my results/experiments... "Hey, no pressure," he said, "just as long as you're having fun."

Right. Let me just stop sweating nervously and then we can talk.

--

I thought for about half an hour today that my identity got stolen, thanks to a charge I didn't recognize on my bank statement. Then, after I had already called the bank in a panic, I realized it was actually legitimate. 

It was one of those moments that made me feel 'incompetent at life.' One of these days, I keep thinking, I will actually have everything under control. I won't make any more embarrassing mistakes. EVER.

That probably isn't true, huh. : )

a handful of change

"I've been thinking about seeing. There are lots of things to see, unwrapped gifts and free surprises. The world is fairly studded with pennies cast broadside from a generous hand. But...who gets excited by a mere penny?

It is dire poverty indeed when a man is so malnourished and fatigued that he won't stoop to pick up a penny. But if you cultivate a healthy poverty and simplicity, so that finding a penny will literally make your day, then, since the world is in fact planted in pennies, you have with your poverty bought a lifetime of days.

It is that simple. What you see is what you get."

-Annie Dillard


Some pennies from the last 24 hours:

*my brother texting me about hockey
*seeing the praying mantis perched on the truck at the end of my street
*signing up for a CSA with The Housemate and picking out a week's worth of fruit & fall veggies
*listening to anais mitchell in the car; the setting sun lighting the beltway all orange and gold while the shenandoah song was playing
*facebook conversations with friends in florida and mississippi and pittsburgh
*listening to This American Life as I'm working (yes, I am still working...)
*listening to all the international scientists discussing my country's government. (ha. hahahaha. ...ugh)
*acorn squash for supper


well! I feel much more cheerful about my life after making that list. feel free to add pennies to the comments below...

JoHoYo (or, Mennonites are weird)

I had been thinking about this all day, yesterday, and then I forgot to write it down.

---

A few weeks ago I ended up finding myself at the same church as my boss, a funky little Mennonite church outside DC. And I've kept going back (usually). This week he asked me if I was a church over the weekend, which I wasn't (I decided reading through Matthew in the sun in the park was the best possible use of my time, haha); and when he learned I wasn't, proceeded to tell me that the sermon had been about John Howard Yoder. 

"I think I'll have to go back and re-read some of those books," he said. "I read The Politics of Jesus. Good stuff."

I almost laughed. I was having flashbacks to classes at EMU, hearing classmates fondly refer to "JoHoYo." 

I really am in a subculture. Mennonites are weird. But I have to admit I'm thankful... JoHoYo did, after all, give this intern an interesting (obscure) point in common with a tenured PI. :)


EDIT// to clarify, by saying "Mennonites are weird," I mean, "isn't it strange that two Mennonites from different generations can end up working in a government funded lab and know immediately what's going on when the name John Howard Yoder comes up?"

so many thoughts in my head

this is what happens now that I don't have schoolwork to occupy my time.

1.) last week was a bit discouraging at work. I felt like I was disappointing my boss, etc., etc. The Housemate gave me a rousing peptalk and said, "well, emily, at least you aren't delinquent."

right. as long as I just keep showing up. just keep going, I told myself. no feeling is final. and wouldn't you know, both The Housemate and Rilke were right.

2.) sometimes I despair of ever being as wise as the family I come from. when I was home the other weekend I was talking with my dad about some of my questions and thoughts and fears about money, power, growing-into-a-person-I-won't-like...

I think Bethesda is so weird, sometimes; driving along River Road down to the C&O Canal is weird. I've got no other word for it. I think about what River Road means in Lancaster, that drive down to the Susquehanna; "trailer trash," banks of weeds, the muddy waters of the Pequea running sluggishly with kids floating in inner tubes. Here, River Road means wealth, the kind of money that buys you thousands of square feet on each floor, turrets and gated driveways and double rows of pine trees planted between your property and everyone else.

I say these things to my dad, and he says, "don't paint with too broad a brush."

he says, "it's like what Paul wrote, about being content when you have little and content when you have much."

is it really so easy? I thought, jiggling my leg anxiously under the table. the thought's been sticking in my head these pasts several days. it can't be that easy. but yes, maybe - it could be -

Actually, I don’t have a sense of needing anything personally. I’ve learned by now to be quite content whatever my circumstances. I’m just as happy with little as with much, with much as with little. I’ve found the recipe for being happy whether full or hungry, hands full or hands empty. Whatever I have, wherever I am, I can make it through anything in the One who makes me who I am. 

(Philippians 4:11-14, The Message)

3.) ...and man, I love when thoughts about God and how to live and this really important stuff intersects with art and poetry. 

Our hands full or not:

The same abundance.

Our eyes open or shut:

The same light.

-Yves Bonnefoy

4.) I also despair of ever being as awesome as my grandparents, who have, for a time, extended a very generous helping hand to some folks in need. Oddly enough, one of the things that's been banging around in my head in regards to this (quite interesting) development in my family's life is a quote from Tolkien's The Two Towers. Funny, how those books stick with you.

"One who cannot cast away a treasure at need is in fetters."

I am constantly having this feeling that I am almost seeing what God is saying about the kingdom being at hand. It still doesn't quite make sense; it still is hazy, like far-off mountains on the day of a summer storm. 

But it is coming in to focus, and the bits I am seeing keep hinting that it is like what Linford told me, one time on cross-cultural, maybe even on the streets of Damascus (oh, unreal city, may peace visit your streets). That  abundant life is found in giving things away, giving your life away.

...In the re-creation of the world, when the Son of Man will rule gloriously,

you who have followed me will also rule...and not only you, but anyone who sacrifices home, family, fields - whatever - because of me will get it all back a hundred times over, not to mention the considerable bonus of eternal life. This is the Great Reversal: many of the first ending up last, and the last first.

(Matthew 19:28-30, The Message)

5.) Sometimes at the end of a day of work I remember a little sticky note I saw tacked up on the Redmond House fridge. "Everyone wants to start the revolution, but no one wants to do the dishes."

Ah, adult life. How tedious and boring you can be! May I learn patience and perseverance in the midst of this dryness. 

6.) "I'm feeling like it's time for a blog post," said The Housemate. 

"Yes," I said, "I think so, too." 

on not going back to school

I realized today while I was eating lunch that this is the first time in 18 years that I'm not 'going back to school.'

I'm still trying to figure out how to define myself outside of the system that for years, for all of my conscious life has fed me gold stars in exchange for high test scores and a raised hand in class.

My current internal monologue is something like well then, kiddo, what does it actually mean to be successful, huh?

And, actually, I don't know, because my measuring stick is gone; because the measuring stick of the world I'm working in seems kind of strange, kind of warped; because I am still learning, even if I'm not in school.

Today I think success looks like remembering to write a postcard blessing for a friend's new apartment, like having the dishes done by 7:30, like having homemade granola for dessert. I'm not sure, yet, what I'll think success looks like tomorrow, but...one day at a time.

a few scattered thoughts on following christ in the midst of power

When the young man heard this, he went away sad, because he had great wealth. Then Jesus said to his disciples, “Truly I tell you, it is hard for someone who is rich to enter the kingdom of heaven. Again I tell you, it is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for someone who is rich to enter the kingdom of God.” 

When the disciples heard this, they were greatly astonished and asked, “Who then can be saved?” 

Jesus looked at them and said, “With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible.”

Matthew 19:22-26

I've been doing a lot of thinking recently, and the thoughts that have been circling through my head feel important but also fragmented and hard to articulate. 

1.) When I was down in Harrisonburg a few weeks ago, I was talking with a friend who had just completed a two year term with MCC in the country of Colombia. She brought a Colombian friend with her, a woman who spoke only Spanish. During our conversation, she asked, is it okay if I translate while we talk? I nodded, not thinking much of it, and later she said thanks - I know it probably doesn't mean much to you, but it's important. She doesn't mind observing what's going on, but then it's just sort of watching a bunch of rich kids hanging out; it means so much more for her to be able to be part of it, you know?

I felt startled. What do you  mean, a bunch of rich kids? I'm used to seeing myself as pretty solidly average, like: sure, I have a car and a college degree and I grew up going on vacations and going to summer camp and going boating on the Susquehanna, but - I went to public school! I buy dried beans in bulk! The litany in my head is something like there's never enough there's never enough there's never enough.

So odd, that shift in perspective. A Colombian woman sees me, my average self, and thinks: rich kid. 

2.) I told Thia, that weekend, that I thought maybe Early Church had ruined me for normal life. I was thinking of my home group, of Brian and Rachel, a couple who are married with a year-old kid. They live in a tiny apartment and don't own a car; they don't seem to want much of anything. I don't think I'm any happier than they are, I told Thia. There I was, a week into my new 40+ hour a week job, living on my own in Bethesda, one of the most expensive places to live in the U.S., starting to realize for real that money doesn't equal happiness.

3.) It's strange, I told Meg. It's strange to live and work in a place that hums along just fine without paying any attention to spirit, to soul, to sacredness. I'm not sure what to make of it.

4.) I went to church in Maryland for the first time this weekend. A woman from NIH who graduated from Goshen contacted me and told me about a Mennonite church near D.C. So I checked it out and I like it; everyone was friendly, they invited me to the potluck after the service. It felt familiar, like a blend between CMCL and something from EMU. I felt cheerful on the way home; fond, almost, and I didn't even mind the few miles on the Beltway. It was strange, because usually I hate driving in this area.

What to pull from these scattered threads...I've been thinking, I guess, that the Christian life ought to be seen not as rules, but as a path towards thriving. It is very hard for the rich to enter the kingdom of heaven, and I am learning this new each day. I don't think that God means don't have money, but - it makes sense to me, to be wary of it. I think that Brian and Rachel are more free than I am, although they have less. The words of the gospel make sense in their context in a way that they don't in Bethesda. I feel that very clearly. The lives that my friends live in that little community in Harrisonburg don't make much sense in context of wealth and power, in context of this wealthy suburb of Washington D.C. 

[I told Thia, that weekend, that the people I rub elbows with every day might look at people from Early Church and pity them, but I can imagine Brian and Rachel showing up to visit me and pitying the people living in the huge houses around me, thinking they don't understand what life is about. (I am afraid, maybe, of growing into one of those people, of becoming someone, someday, that my friends from Early Church would pity). And so there God is, leveling the playing field, raising the weak to challenge the strong. And yet: how impossible it would be to explain this to anyone I work with!]

How to live with integrity, I've been asking myself. What does that mean? 

In regards to attending church, I guess it's easy to feel like it's an obligation, like it's a rule. Christian? Go to church. But the feeling I had coming home today makes me think, again, that the Christian life is just a path towards thriving. It is not good for (wo)man to be alone. It is good to be connected, to be loved... I was happy to be at church today, and happy on the way home. I will go back, I suspect, because I want to be thriving, because I want my spirit to feel whole.

Who then can be saved? I wonder, looking around at the power and money flowing through the streets of the D.C. area. Me? Can I? Can I be saved?

With man this is impossible, Jesus is saying to me, but with God, all things are possible.

let everything happen

Let everything happen to you
Beauty and terror
Just keep going
No feeling is final.

-rilke

---

the email in my inbox asked: 

was it okay? good? not what you expected?



my response:

All of the above. I feel like I'm taking my first deep breath in about 72 hours. Yikes, the real world is hard! But exciting. 

My mentor-figure in the lab is a Chinese woman who is just returning to work after maternity leave. In my little computer-cubicle area are the two of us and a woman from India who is about 6 months into her post-doc. In my line of vision from my desk is an Australian man; tomorrow I'm meeting the guy who's going to teach me things about patch clamping - he's an Israeli scientist. This morning my mentor (her name is Mufeng) started talking to Andres about visas and the length of various flights, and I'm not sure where he's from, exactly, but he sounds European, like maybe German or French is his first language. 

I feel like I'm on the set of a movie or something; everything and everyone so extravagantly interesting. There's a room in the lab that's the "cold room," always at 4 degrees C. A dark room; a room used solely to transfect bacteria with DNA; a room with the equipment for patch-clamping. And the various patch-clamp "rigs" are inside of Faraday cages, and when I first saw them I imagined myself tucked inside like a hermit crab. 

So far I have learned a bit about transfecting DNA in HEK cells, fire-polishing micropipettes, and the beginning steps of DNA cloning. By next week I will be starting to practice patch clamping. Yesterday Mufeng said, "Maybe in 3 weeks you will be self-sufficient," and Kenton (the big boss of my lab) grinned a bit and said "That's ambitious," but she didn't sound like she was joking. 

AHHH. It is very much to take in; and also there is Bethesda itself, the three lanes of traffic headed each direction around NIH campus, the mad crush of people at rush hour, the shock of being two days removed from a place where I knew even the cracks in the roads.

But mostly I am happy, glad to be here, excited to keep learning. I'll be happy to sleep tonight, though.

well, here i am...

i've arrived in bethesda, i've (basically) unpacked my stuff, i've explored a few major roads with my parents (found the target and giant before they left, yay). my dad helpfully asked siri, 'where's the nearest mennonite church?' (the answer: 7 miles away).

i'm worried about tomorrow. i don't know where, exactly, i'm going (building 35? i think?); i don't know where i'm supposed to park my car, what the security will be like, if my coworkers will like me, if i'll understand anything that i'm supposed to be doing, where i'll eat lunch, if my parotid gland will have swelled any more ...

which, newsflash, happens sometimes, to very unlucky people. i was diagnosed today with parotitis, to which i say: seriously? meaning why do terrible things always happen to me when i travel? 


but the point of this, actually, wasn't to highlight all the things i'm worried about. it was to say that my litany of 'things that may go wrong' started to remind me of that passage in matthew: ...what you will drink, or what you will wear... 


who of you by worrying can add even a single hour to your life? 

so i'm heading to sleep, now, and i'm hopeful that by this time tomorrow i'll be feeling excitement, not dread.